Understanding the Split

 There are so many things that happen when a family goes though a divorce. The family also goes through a lot when the parent gets remarried. Let’s talk about a few of the things that change between whole, divorced and remarried families. these examples are from the book Treating the Remarried Family. The first example that i would like to talk about is how in nuclear families having children is usually a common goal the couple shares. In a remarried family this isn’t always the case. In a nuclear family there could already be children from the father or mothers side. Also with the remarried couple they might have other obligations, like financial, to their previous family that they have to take care of and that could be putting a strain on the idea of the new couple having children. Another difference is that the bond of the nuclear family is still intact, strong and hasn’t been damaged or scarred in any way. On the other hand of this situation is the remarried family whose bonds are less sting and scarred by loss, death or failure and are afraid of loosing anybody else. A third example would be nuclear families are often supported by extended families while remanded families are not always supposed by their extended relatives and could even be a negative impact on them. A fourth example could be that in a nuclear family there is relatively no unfinished business between spouses and their previous relationships that require their attention. While on the side of remarried there are certain obligations a spouse might have to their previous partner requiring their attention. A fifth example is more from the children’s perspective. This is that in a nuclear family a child’s roots are stable, they have one home, neighborhood and school and they have their group of friends. while in remarried families the children’s roots are disrupted or displaced. A sixth example would be that a child’s role and function in the family is defined and shaped by the experiences and what they learn in the family. This becomes disrupted and confused when a family becomes remarried. There is time when the family is newly remarried where a child doesn’t know where he or she fits in in the family just yet so there is a lot of anxiety from each family member while they are on this search of where they fit in in the family. A seventh example is loyalty. When there is a nuclear family, loyalty isn’t really put to the rest so much but where there is a family that has been separated and then remarried loyalty is a bigger issue. Children are put in situations where they have to choose who to be loyal to and then the parent they are not loyal to becomes a target or the recipient of lashing out. I’m going to tell you a couple things my husband told me about what life was like for him growing up with a single mom and then being in a remarried family. For him growing up with a single mother there were difficulties such as having a mother that didn’t have time for them as much and carried multiple jobs for him and his brother. Because of this his brother “ got into a lot of problems.” When his mother got married there were difficulties such as getting to know the new potential spouse, different moral beliefs, and new rules to a host to. Also that when he was forced to pick sides he would always pick his mom and his step father did not deal with that well. he said in the beginning his step father was always trying to win him over and once his mother got married to him his step father changed. These are a few things that opened my eyes to the struggles of life when i comes to split and remarried families